Marina Tsvetaeva, tr. by Elaine Feinstein from “Poem of the End,” c. 1924
“You know you have a problem following your instincts and what your gut tells you to do because their will is blocked by the distant past that’s written in the lines beneath your skin, but decided to try anyway because you want to see the best in people, hoping that they will see you too. I mean, actually see you. Not just meet you at a museum or a coffee place at the mall you haven’t visited in months or at the karaoke bar you refused to go even though you loved the concept.
This is your problem. You love concepts, but neglect the definitions because you are scared of what truths could be revealed to you. Just the way you canceled last minute and neglected your desires in the name of fear and suspicions. It gave you goosebumps, and it hurt you. It left you cold and you lied. Tried to keep being the expert you are at pushing people away. Because you don’t believe they could really get to see you, and wish or try to stare a little longer.
You confuse being an enigma with being a ghost. You jump into conclusions because you have always been the girl ready to run away before people leave you to freeze in the snow, searching for flowers that won’t grow. So now you ask to yourself…how can you expect someone’s eyes to meet yours and everything you’ve been dreaming to share if you keep doing this?
You love concepts and you play with the labels without asking the owners. You forgot that even with scrabble you can’t play by your own. Even your most beautiful talent gets neglected and until now you never realized. You almost died when you drowned, but please honor your survival knowing that it forced you to remember how to gasp and breathe when you were pulled out.
Remember the hands that carried you. The bodies that fought to keep you warm. The words and begs they whispered in your ear to bring you back. Let them come. Let them see. Don’t keep yourself in denial. You are worth of so much.”
The aftermath of a failed plan.
This is so beautiful.
Bine, dragă…
